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Ernst Kudusov

Few Biographic Observations Or Few Words About Myself

     My birth to this world on December 30, 1934 to be more precise my impregnation at the end of March Ė beginning of April of the same year wasn't planned by my parents. I will say even more: neither my mother, nor my father wished my birth. There were many reasons of that. Among them were both objective and subjective. Among the first one I should mention the universal hunger organized by the Bolshevik communists in Ukraine, North Caucasus and Povolzhíe in 1923-33 when people got mad because of hunger and eat their own children.
     However, despite the fact that my parents didn't suffer all hardships that fell upon our poor country, because my father was communist, nevertheless at that situation planning the enlargement of the family was at least reckless. You know, my parents didnít belong to the common people and could manage their instincts. However, the fate willed to set up everything so that for all that my impregnation took place. I couldnít understand so far who needed that. You see, even the human factors were all against my birth. For example, my father thought that I wasnít his son (though, later I became an inimitable copy of my father, unfortunately he couldnít see it, because he died in the first years of the World War Two). In respond to this my mother noticing the delay of her periods urgently started taking all possible measures to kill me. Particularly, once she braced herself and took a whole pack of Dimedrol with a good deal of milk. I stood courageously this trial and kept on growing and taking weight against all her counteractions. Finally, my poor parents gave up as lost and I break out on the loose with whoops of victory nearly killing my benefactress Ė mother. You see my weight was twice as big as of the rest my contemporaries in the maternity hospital Ė 4 kg 200 grams, a record weight for that time and my motherís slim figure.
     Nevertheless I should say that somebody needed my birth. I didnít come to such conclusion due to fillisterís vanity. Not at all. A whole range of mysterious events have been accompanying my incessant and restless life all the time pushing me to the direction which I do not always chose myself. I'm not going to enumerate all of them here right now because there are too many of them and it will distract the reader. However, I will mention one of them anyway, the one I was told by my mother. Shortly before the delivery, in a month - month and a half my mother accidentally found a big bundle of money on the road. It was a real fortune. For those hungry years it was a havenís gift fallen from nobody knows where. Moreover, at that time that money came very handy: my father was arrested and he already was just about to be executed. Justifying himself by a miracle he quickly escaped from the Crimea secretly leaving to Moscow where he later on became a legal adviser in Museum of Revolution. However, it was later. So far my mother was threatened to be left along in a certain condition with six-year-old son and without a breadwinner. At this very moment a bundle of money appeared from somewhere. Itís a kind of mysticism.
     I would like to make it clear that I believe neither in God nor in devil or any other mystic phenomenon. That is why all these sacraments that accompany my life (I will tell about it later) still remain a mystery for me. However, I will try to solve it later. However, let me continue.
     I was born in Kerch, in a town where my father was sent by partyís order. However, as I was told by the grown up I lived in this town only 4 months. The thing was that when my father was arrested and automatically deprived of all his communist merits and privileges our little family obtained the possibility to associate with the rest numerous relatives what he couldnít do before because of her enemy origin. You see all my ancestors (both from motherís and fatherís part) were hereditary ministers of religion. In other words they were national enemies. However, when the communists elevated my father to party's elite they recommended him to break off any interrelations with unreliable elements all his relatives on both sides were considered to be. However, after my father was expelled from the party everybody became equal and the way to interrelation was open. As far as me personally concerned, from the very first days of my existence on this sinful Earth I was ranked among national enemies, because these enemy elements in the face of my grandfather from mother side came to Kerch from Sevastopol and took yet foolish child from the communistís den to the bosom of a single Mosque in Sevastopol where my grandfather Usuf Ė effendi served as Imam. I spent the first years of my life up to 1938 when valiant Bolsheviks executed my Saint grandfather and we were tossed out into the street.
     I still canít understand all the senselessness of extermination of the best part of population of Russia by Bolsheviks. In case one could put everything down to revenge then what were people who were not born proletarian guilty in, in other words people who naturally turned to be spiritually and mentally more perfect than that part of people which as it chanced turned to be lacked of particular natural abilities. Killing people only for that they are more perfect than the majority? Killing the minions of fortune in order to make everybody equally stupid? Itís a kind of madness! Those who were born to crawl decided to take revenge over another part for their ability to fly. The communists Bolsheviks exterminated the whole classes of intellectual population with maniacal cruelty only for that they grew in other living conditions. You see, the nature itself makes people different. It endows someones with particular abilities and talents and deprives the others. However, Bolshevik lowbrow considered such state of affairs unfair. Illiterate and dull Bolsheviks decided to make everybody equal urging to build a fair society. They started this equalization with shooting of all non-proletarian elements. This is what my grandfather was shot for. There were no other reasons.
     As a result after the collapse of the communism everything resumed its normal course. However, the gene pool of Russia turned to be much undermined. The country of fools became even more stupid. Now it is more difficult for her to keep on with the developed countries of so called West. However, the communists keep on telling as if nothing were wrong that they did everything right.
     I was born and lived in such country but gradually my eyes were opened in spite of persistent and fool communist propaganda.
     Ö Since that time I havenít been to Kerch for 74 years. However, amazingly I remembered and engraved in my child memory few pictures that were related to my not lasting staying in the town where I first saw the light. It is said that children begin remembering their life since the age of one or two. However, as for me it wasnít so. I engraved in my child memory the pictures related to sledding during the winter down the hill near our house. Iím not only remembered design of the sleigh, but even the porch of our house with stairs and disposition of rooms in the entrance of the house. When I told my brother about all these details he was amazed by the preciseness of this description. You know, at that time I was just around one month old.
     I would like to say from the very beginning that nature didnít deprive me of abilities. I got my pennyworth. I got them even in excess. Why in excess? You see, I never could work in practice many of them, though all my life I squandered my talents trying to work in practice these or those talents given by nature. For all my 74 years I never could try myself in everything what was prepared for me by nature. Because of this blowing hot and cold I couldnít achieve perfection in any field of my activity switching to other field after the first satisfactory result that confirmed the extraordinariness of what was made. Nevertheless, I couldnít say that I remained a grey mouse and that I havenít made anything outstanding. No, saying so wonít be true. I made actually. However, I have never stressed someoneís attention on the results achieved in order to tell the world how extraordinary I am. It is turned out that by nature I am uncommonly not vain person. Being a self-sufficient person I didnít require the confirmation of my own extraordinariness by the world around. I was quite satisfied with the very awareness that I made one more achievement in perception of my own perfectness. It was quite enough for me to be satisfied with this life. I switched to comprehending of the next unknown and inexperienced one.
     In order not to be accused in boasting and self-admiration I will provide below record of my achievements and acts which is far from being complete.
     After finishing school in Kazan at the age of 18 I left to Moscow and was enrolled at Moscow State University what even at that time was far from being easy. In 1953 Moscow State University moved from the center of Moscow to new pompous building located on Lenin Mountains. I moved right into this building as the first dweller of luxurious, as to that time, studentsí dormitory where every student had oneís own room furnished after the latest standards of an outstanding educational establishment of the world. I lived in this building for five years. At this, I donít want to stretch the truth saying that I was an ordinary student at the department. In fact, I really was one of the best students. However, for justice' sake I must admit that I wasnít the best one. I usually was the second just a little bit being behind the first one. It didnít bother me at all. On the contrary it was even funny. For example in sports on universityís championship on gymnastics and boxing I won second place awards. I also usually was the second on the studentsí scientific works. Even on the studentsí practice in Crimea my work on the level of scientific research was the second after the work of Vikhlyantsev (God rest his soul, he was the cleverest fellow).
     In short, even though I wasnít the best of the best at the university, nevertheless I was far from being the last one. I had no influential relatives Ė promoters. My mother died in the beginning of 1956. I lived at the university for a scholarship and bought clothes on money that I earned in expeditions Ė already starting from the first year I started going for earnings. All my achievements in studies were first of all the result of my natural gifts plus a little bit of work and efforts caused by my curiosity.
     I went to expeditions to the areas that usually promised more exotics, adventures and risk. I still canít understand why I am still alive. You know, I could escape in such mortal situations that I even feel frightened when I just recall them. I described some of these cases in my autobiographical stories.
     After the end of field season I usually travelled around the Soviet Union. So, when I graduated from the university I already managed to travel the country all around. I was awfully curious and inquisitive. When I finally became eligible to travel abroad already after the collapse of the communist regime I continued travelling over Europe and even America. I did it not on my own money. I never had plenty of them. But as representative of Mejlis of Crimean Tatar People, and later on as representative of Karay people.
     I was not permitted to travel abroad under the communist regime for my dissidence. By the way, dissidence helped me to learn one more facet of Soviet life Ė life of a convict. These communist degenerates still could take four years of my life. I came out from the prison alive also by a miracle defending my human rights going on hunger strike. However, I won staking my life.
     All my past live wasnít dictated by the desire to achieve the career pedestal in the future, but by mere curiosity that came from an elementary interest in life. I just liked it. Thatís it. I still like life. I could say with certainty that during my life I managed to live few lives so full of events and actions it was. The common person didnít experience even a part of what I did. However, one couldnít say that looking at me. As for me my face doesn't reflect it. As usually I look younger my age.
     Of course I have imperfections. However, what is an imperfection? The very definition of it is relative. For example, I am completely lacked of feeling of envy. I never envy anybody. You know, this reflects negatively on career. Careerism always nourished by the feeling of envy. Without this feeling as a result I didnít achieve any career stage in my life. You know, a person that lives in a particular society must identify oneself with a status. I donít have this status. Iím just a person with outstanding way of thinking who could write interesting articles and books, and make sudden discoveries in science. However, who at this seek to gain neither PhD nor academic degree, nor even candidate of science. You know, I wrote works worth of scientific degrees even without defense. If I strived to get it I would have it long ago. However, in my understanding all this is vanitas vanitatum required only to those people who feel inferior and that is why asserts oneself in the society by means of these regalia. As for me I donít need these regalia. My books and my articles speak for themselves. The scientists who read at least one of them take off their hats with respect and call me professor or even peopleís academician. I am just smiling at such expression of feelings, because I personally do not make account of regalia accepted in our society. An odd fellow? Maybe. However, one couldnít tell about it judging from my appearance.
     Recently I turned my eyes on cinematography. The books and articles that I wrote for people are read by very limited circle. You see, there are quite a lot of intelligent people among the non-reading audience and knowing about what I am writing won't do any harm to them, but they just have no time to read. So, in order to draw their attention I turned to cinematography. I decided to tell about my thoughts with the assistance of visual means of education. With this goal I recently made the first in my life scientific - documentary film. The experiment was a success. It turned out that the saying "you must spoil before you spinĒ is not necessarily related to this particular case: life experience showed itself. You know, there were many obstacles. They were purely of human nature. I have enough envious people despite the fact that Iím not a careerist.
     The film immediately arose a storm of positive emotions despite the fact that it has quite definite political focus. However, it carries very significant educational information which is very difficult to find fault with, though there are many people who want this. I planned a whole series of films.
     I divide all my ill-wishers and envious people into two categories: first, people who hate me because of my political views (I could name them right away Ė these are communists), second, people who envy me because of my talents that were given to me at birth. They consider this distribution unfair when one has everything and the other has far lesser. They consider that I obtain everything too easy in this life and that is why they try to throw a spanner in my works every time they can. I come back at all these people. Thus, I have not got a tedious time.
     I also have to confess that despite of all my indifference towards the forms of social status I hold one hierarchical position in our society. This position is called Head of Board of Association of Crimean Tatars in Moscow. This is a public position and it doesnít bind me to any serious obligations. I took it because there werenít any other worthiest claimants.
     In addition I have an internet site that contains some of my works. Everyone who wishes can check whether everything that I said above is true or I just told lies. The address of my internet site is www.moskva-krym.com.
     As you see, my activity last years was focused mainly of education. I started writing a lot in the 90th of the last century publishing four books and a lot of separate articles that were published in Crimean newspapers. Some of my books especially the ones that were devoted to Crimea became extremely popular among Crimean Tatars. And Iím happy with that. However, after the deportation our people not always have spare time to read not only book, but even newspapers. That is why I made the decision to shift to visual Ė audio form of education as the most accessible for people. Now due to this my audience will expand in few times. This time it will be not only Crimean Tatars.
     Maybe this is the essence of my mission on the Earth? Education of my long-suffering people! Crimean Tatars are talented people and it has a great future. This quality is inherent in it due to the very principle of its origin. However, from the very first steps after its birth it became the subject of the most unthinkable ordeals. Nevertheless, the nation survived and strikes the world with its viability. Being the educator of such nation is a great honor. You see, on this historical stage education becomes the main task of the nation. I am happy that I became the right person at the right place and time. This is more important not so much for me personally, as for the nation itself.
     Now I know why I didnít leave to United States to live out one's days. Nobody would need me there except myself. But here people need me. We need one another. I make sure of that again and again.


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